Terry Paul Choyce
March 26, 2006, Brunswick Street United Church
Several weeks ago Paul and I went to a lecture by Terry Waite. Terry has had a fascinating career as a British diplomat. He was a special envoy to the Archbishop of Canterbury and he was able to negotiate the release of hostages from Iran and from Libya during the 1980s. But he is most famous for being taken hostage himself in 1987 in Beirut, Lebanon, when he was trying to free hostages held by the Lebanese. He was kept in deplorable conditions, chained to a wall, for 1,763 days. Today I would like to talk about what it takes inside of a person to survive physically and mentally and spiritually for 4 years of mostly solitary confinement.
I have read Terry Waite's book, Taken on Trust. It is a detailed account of what happened to him as a prisoner. One of the ways he was able to keep himself sane was to mentally write his autobiography. So interwoven with the accounts of his deplorable living situation in Beirut, he told us all about his life before he was captured. He was unable to write even one word during his captivity, but his remarkable memory stored it all in his head, and his heart. When he was released he wrote it all down, and in the process gifted the world with an account of immense bravery, resilience, ingenuity, compassion, and hope.
I first want to give a brief snapshot of the man. I entitled my sermon The Long Wait(e), because of his years in captivity, but also because the man is 6 ft. 7 inches tall. When he was taken as prisoner he was of average weight for a man his size. Upon release he was very thin, partly from insufficient food, and partly because he was very ill much of the time. He developed a terrible cough and was often unable to breathe, especially when a generator was sending exhaust fumes into his tiny room. He had a problem tooth before he was captured, then he severely broke a tooth the first year, then all of his teeth caused him pain for many years. He had a bad skin condition off and on, partly from the mosquitoes and cock roaches and the mouldy conditions in which he lived. At one point he had a horrible ear infection which was left for weeks without treatment. One of the early beatings he received was on the bottoms of his feet, and he was unable to walk for weeks. He was not in the sun for 4 years, so his skin was white and sickly. But I must say he recovered well since his release in November 1991. When I saw him he was a big, portly man, and seemed to be in excellent health. This is proof of how the human body can repair itself, and health can be restored even when it has been abused and neglected. Terry did exercise the best he could under his circumstances. He was determined not to let his body defeat his spirit.
Terry was married to Frances Watters in 1964. A year latter they had twin daughters, and a year after that they had another daughter. A few years later came their son. So Terry had 4 children and a wife and a mother waiting and worrying about him. For the first 2 years they did not know if he was dead or alive. Terry wrote that he could not dwell on thoughts of his family, because the sadness would overwhelm him. So when he remembered his past it was more about his days as a student, a soldier, a chaplain, and as a diplomat. And he had so much to remember. He has travelled everywhere. And he has met countless famous, influential people. One of his close friends is Rev. Desmond Tutu. I could give a sermon about what important work Terry did. But today I want to concentrate on how he survived 4 years of mostly solitary confinement, starting in February 1987.
When Terry was first captured he told himself that he had to keep control of his thoughts as much as possible, so that he could remain sane. He did not let himself sink into self-pity. He did not torture himself with questions of "what if?" He accepted where he was and how he got there and what he did to get himself in this horrendous situation. And he did not allow himself thoughts of regret. "If only he had stayed in England this time. If only Oliver North had not poisoned the diplomacy strategy and trust with his arms sales to Iran." There could have been so many "if onlys." But Terry did not wallow in these thoughts. To me, that was a super human feat. To have that much mental control is beyond me. But, I know that is one of the secrets to all of us having better lives. If all of us could have more control of our negative thoughts, we could be released from our self imposed mental prisons.
For the first year Terry had almost nothing to read. He missed books more than anything. He desperately wanted a Bible and a prayer book. He had memorized many prayers over the years, as well as poetry and quotes. He recited them to himself over and over again. And then he was given a Bible, and later a prayer book, which ironically was the exact book which he had given years before to be read by hostages. Terry was hugely comforted by these sacred books, and the words of his faith. But he said he could not read much of the Old Testament because of the violence in it, and its depiction of a vengeful, fearful God. Terry clung to his belief in a loving God, and in the basic goodness of all people, even his captors and guards. His spirituality flourished. In his lecture he said "spirituality is about transformation into individuals and societies that have love, compassion, respect for each other and the Earth."
On page 305 Terry writes "If I can draw any strength from outside myself, it will be from contemplating the crucifixion of Jesus." On page 310 he says "I can know in a small way the utter desolation Christ faced, and his steadfast courage inspires me." As we approach Easter, we are mindful of the suffering of Jesus, and the inner strength and supreme faith that got him through his horrible ordeals. Jesus felt pain as deeply as the rest of us - emotional and physical pain. His example of unconditional love for the people of his time, and ultimately even for us in his far future, inspire us to be strong when we are in times of pain and despair. Many people who suffer have a n even deeper appreciation of what Jesus did to express his love for humanity. Terry Waite was a stronger man spiritually because of what he believed Jesus endured for him.
Towards the end of his confinement Terry wrote (P.297) "In my mind I continue writing, and at a deeper level I struggle with my inner contradictions. Somehow I have to do two things. I must, if I am going to make any psychological progress whatsoever, continue my inner dialogue. At the same time I have to bolster myself to an almost ridiculous degree. If I let my inner confidence collapse, I will die. If I don't face my doubts and conflicts I will never progress. I must somehow cultivate a defiant arrogance and yet not believe it. How I long for the love and company of my family. How I yearn with a childish, selfish longing to be understood and cared for. I am frightened. Frightened that, in growing up, my identity may slip away. These are hard days, but I must hold fast to my resolutions: no regrets, no sentimentality, no self pity."
I was puzzled at first by his statement that his identity might slip away if he grew up. Through out the book he talked repeatedly about how important it was for him to have the praise and support of his father, even after his father was dead. Terry pushed himself into positions of power and international attention, partly because of his own inner insecurity about being good enough for his father. He admittedly neglected his wife and children, and put himself in dangerous situations repeatedly, to feed his drive to be someone important. After years of solitary confinement and total ignorance of what was happening in the world he loved so much, he had to face his inner demons and motives. He did not do what he did so much out of love, as out of his need for power and praise. Accepting that was a big part of his growth lesson. I admire his courage in admitting that in his book. And I am sure that knowledge affected his actions when he was finally released. He did not go back to diplomacy. He did not take a position in the church. He for a time concentrated on his family, on his healing, on his writing, and eventually, on giving lectures on what it takes to survive complete isolation and depravation.
On page 218 he writes "All I do is cling to a simple hope and belief, very simple, very basic. I will be sustained and supported from within, and I will not be destroyed. If this is the dark night of the soul, so be it. One day I will find light." And Terry Waite ends his book with the following poem that was written on the wall of a cellar in which a person who was hiding from the Nazi's lived, and then died. It went:
"I believe in the sun even when it is not shining.
I believe in love where feeling is not.
I believe in God even if he is silent."
©Terry Paul Choyce. Used with permission from the author.
