Terry Paul Choyce
Feb. 19, 2006, Brunswick Street United Church
In my opinion one of the most valuable skills I have is to let go of negative thoughts and actions. I have not perfected this life lesson by a long shot, but it seems I am better at it than most. People who know me always remark about how quickly I "recovered" from my divorce, from the death of my Mother, and from other losses and problems in my past. I felt those losses deeply. I grieved and processed the pain, and I moved on. Some things still nag at me, especially when I am feeling low about something else. Past hurts are still triggered by current situations. But generally, I have learned how to put the past pain into perspective and to let it go.
So how does a person do that? Each of us has different ways. First I need to relieve myself of the pain by writing about it, talking to other people about it, and praying about it. Then I throw myself into something I am passionate about. I socialise more, take a new course, learn a new skill, create something, go on "escape days" where I leave my normal life and do something different - usually in another place. I read inspirational books, watch uplifting movies, listen to great music, I dance and sing, and I let myself enjoy my life again.
When my pain has been caused by the wrong that was done to me by another person, the process of letting go becomes much harder. This is where the gift of forgiveness comes in. For most of us, learning how to forgive is our most difficult life lesson. This is especially true when there has been no resolution to the hurtful action, or when the perpetrator refuses to acknowledge that they have hurt us and that they are sorry. The heartfelt words "I am sorry" could heal so much pain in this world. But people do not say those words easily. They do not want to admit their guilt or accept blame. So there is no healthy resolution to so many of our emotional problems. We either have to live in pain, further victimizing ourselves, or we can just let it go.
When I am upset about something there is a story loop that goes over and over and over in my brain. If I did something stupid, I relive it many times. If I have been wronged, it goes on far longer than the original offense. If I have no control over a situation which is harmful to others, I wallow in my frustration in my inability to fix the problem. To get myself out of this negativity I have to do several things. First, if I have been the one to cause the pain, I have to take responsibility for that, clear it up the best I can, and say I am truly sorry. That is seldom easy, but it is necessary for myself and for the other person. We would have fewer divorces, fewer court cases, fewer crimes, fewer addictions to emotion-dulling substances, and fewer wars if all of us knew how to accept our mistakes and make amends the best we can.
But what about the pain that is caused by another, and he or she refuses to own up to what they have done? Or to the situation where I have no control what so ever? This is where I have to learn how to stop that mental loop. There are many tactics to do this. A few months ago I talked about some of them in my sermon. I suggested you "lock" a pleasant memory in the palm of your hand, so that whenever you were stuck in the negative thought you could press on your palm to trigger the wonderful memory again. I also suggested wearing a bracelet or even a rubber band that you could touch when you sink into negativity, to remind you to change your thought. You could have an affirmation that your repeat to yourself, such as "I am a good person with a happy future." Some people use a mantra such as "God loves me" or "Om Shanti," which means about the same thing. Or you could do a physical activity. Touch your toes ten times or go for a short run. The important thing is to have a technique which works for you to change your thoughts, and thus change your mood, and thus change your life.
One way that I can let go of the negative thoughts is to change the "story" that I keep telling myself. This has worked especially well with my ability to recover from my divorce. I felt a huge amount of anger and disappointment with my former husband. We were together for 32 years and he would not even see a marriage counsellor to help keep us together. For months after we split the negative thoughts of "Why wouldn't he...,How could he...., how dare he...." get churning in my mind. Finally I decided to rethink this and say to myself "He did the best he knew how; he acted as he always has -why do I expect something different; this pain is a necessary for my growth, like labour pains are necessary in child birth. This too will pass." So now I am sorry that we had to break-up, but I am not angry at Lesley and I am a peace with what has happened. I still love him and I always will. I let go of the pain and held onto what was positive and beautiful about our years together.
Sometimes things happen to us that are horrible beyond bearing. In the book Lessons in Living Susan Taylor writes about Frances Davis, a poor Black woman in NYC. First her oldest son was shot and killed. Four years later, so was her second son. Then her husband died of a brain aneurysm at the age of 39. Then in 1993 her last son was also shot dead on the streets of NY. She seriously contemplated suicide. Then she threw herself into petitioning for stricter gun control laws. And she began giving talks to schools and to parent support groups about violence on the streets, and about handling grief. I'd like to read to you from page 140:
Frances has taken tragedies which would have destroyed most of us and turned them into something beneficial to the world. She has truly learned how to forgive and how to let go. The murderers of her first two sons were never found. The young man who shot her second son, by mistake, was sent to prison for 27 years. Frances did not agree with that sentence. She had it in her heart to forgive the boy and to want him rehabilitated and set free to live a good life. Frances is an inspiration to me that we can survive the very worst and still find forgiveness, peace, and a positive way to live our lives.
Today is our annual meeting, and for us, I think it is a start of a new phase of Brunswick St. United Church. Our church council is no longer responsible for the Mission or for the maintenance of the building. We have let go of the way things were and we can create a new way of being. We can reframe our "story" of being a church with problems, into being a church with unlimited possibilities for love and faith. Whether we grow in numbers or not, we can grow in our sense of community, our feeling of family, our commitment to our spiritual growth. It is time to forgive those who have made our church life difficult in the past, and to forge on with new passion and vigour. We have so much to be thankful for and so many people who have dedicated their time and energy and money to making this a real home of God. Let us wipe the past hurts off our slate and start fresh, with hope and vitality and renewed faith in the power of the Father , the Son and The Holy Spirit, and in each other.
©Terry Paul Choyce. Used with permission from the author.
