Terry Paul Choyce
January 21, 2007, Brunswick Street United Church
I have chosen to do this service on death and grief, because the mother of one of our members, Chris MacLean, has recently passed on. Corine and Ron MacLean were members of this church for many years, and last year her great grandson was baptised here. Our condolences go out to the entire MacLean family.
I have also chosen this topic because of the death of Helen Hill, who was shot in New Orleans a few weeks ago. Helen and her husband Paul Gailiunas lived in Halifax while he attended Dalhousie Medical School. This couple reached out in many ways to the community. They were among the original founders of Food Not Bombs, the organisation that feeds people free vegetarian food three times a week on the streets of Halifax. Right now there are people down in our kitchen preparing lunch to be served outside of the Gottigen St. Library at 1:00. Paul started the first free foot clinic in Halifax at St. Andrews United Church, where he took care of the foot problems of those who live in poverty, and offered them good, used shoes and boots. Helen was an independent film maker, and was very involved with The Atlantic Filmmakers Co-operative. They were both involved with giving homosexuals equal rights. The death of Helen affected hundreds of people here in Halifax, and thousands all over North America, because everywhere she went she worked to make life better for people. They were in New Orleans to help the people recover from Hurricane Katrina. They have a 2 year old son, Francis. In her 36 years Helen did so much to improve our world. She will be deeply missed and mourned.
There are many emotional reactions to the death of a person. There is a grieving process, that varies from person to person, and from death to death. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. There is no right length of time to grieve. But there are general stages to grief, and these vary according to the circumstances. Often the first reaction is denial, which usually occurs when the deceased person lives a distance away, or when the death occurs as a result of a war or violence. Then there is sorrow, which encompasses extreme sadness, emptiness, and longing. You feel like your heart is broken. You cry and wail. This is normal and necessary for eventual emotional healing.
Following a death there is also anger. The anger can be directed to the medical system, which you feel failed your loved one. Or it can be directed to someone or something who you think caused the death, such a drunk driver or cigarette smoking, or a person who caused much stress in the life of your loved one. You may also feel anger at yourself for not spending more time or money on the person who has died. People often direct their grief into acts of anger, or feelings of shame and guilt. The best way to resolve these emotions is to do something positive, like educating people about the hazards of smoking or drinking, and spending quality time with people you love. You have to find ways to forgive yourself if you need to, and to make sure you do not repeat the mistake you feel you made.
When someone you love has suffered, one of your main reactions to death is relief. This is nothing to be ashamed of. None of us wants to have our loved ones in pain and with no life quality. So to feel almost glad that the suffering is over for that person, is a healthy emotion. And it helps with shortening the grief process. Many people feel guilty about feeling relief, but it is a normal reaction to a painful death.
Another aspect of grief is self-pity. You think about how your life will be different without that person. Sometimes that change is extreme, such as when a parent of young children dies. You feel hopelessness and despair. You have trouble functioning normally, like making even small decisions or taking care of your own basic needs. This stage of grief is often the most intense and long-lasting. And this is where you need the help of others. You need to talk to people about your grief and your fears. You need to accept assistance from those you trust. You need to do things to take care of yourself, like walks in the forest or long hot baths, or joining a support group, or increasing your spiritual practices. Understand that this stage is probably the most difficult to get through, especially if that deceased person was an integral part of your life.
The spiritual beliefs of people are generally a big comfort in the time of death. If you believe in a compassionate God, you know that your loved one is going to a dimension of peace. I personally do not believe in an eternal Hell. I believe our souls have to account for the negative actions person committed, but God would not allow anyone to suffer forever for mistakes made. I am positive about that. It definitely helps with the grieving if you know that your loved one is going to be with others who have died before, and with God. Have no fear about that. Jesus said "In my Father's house are many mansions; if it were not so, I would have told you; for I go to prepare a place for you." (John 14:2 )
Death is as natural as birth and life. All things die, or change. This is an universal law. The circumstances of death often seem unfair or horrible. I myself fear dying, but not death. My spiritual beliefs and my understanding of the universe reassure me that death will be another form of life. My soul will continue to exist long after my body is no longer useful. Many people have experienced near-death, or total death experiences, and they have reported their contact with the light of love that welcomes them into the next phase of our soul's existence. Many books have been written about this, including Embraced by the Light by Betty Eade. I recently read a fantastic novel called What Dreams May Come by Richard Matheson, which is about death, the afterlife, and the power of true love. I highly recommend this book, and the movie that was made from it.
On the cover of today's bulletin is an image of a labyrinth. This can be a symbol of the journey through grief. A labyrinth is like a maze, but there are no wrong turns or dead ends. The path winds in circles, and sometimes , when you walk it, you feel like you have been there before, or that you are going in the wrong direction. You keep moving, around and around, and eventually you return to the beginning. And you return calmer and more confident that you can continue on with your life.
A few days before my mother died, by father and I had an unexpected opportunity to walk in a labyrinth, in a church hall near to where they lived in New Jersey. For my father this was a new experience. I had walked several labyrinths before, but never was it such a powerful experience. We walked with the intention of letting go of my mother, his wife. She had been suffering for a long time, first from strokes, then from leukemia. This process of slow, silent walking with others, and each other, gave us inner strength and calmness. It was a powerful ritual of realising the continuity of life, and the deep knowing that death is a part of life. We both emerged from the labyrinth better able to handle our grief.
All of us will have many times of grief in our lives. And all of us will have to comfort those who are grieving. None of us are comfortable with this. None of us wants this to happen. But if we understand the process of grief, and we have a positive belief in life after death, we will be able to be stronger, more loving people because of our suffering, and our compassion.
I'd like to end with a quote by Judy Tatelbaum. She wrote:
"Having the courage to confront death with honesty inevitably means that we examine our lives, our values, our ideas, and our sense of meaning, so that eventually we can create an existence that has satisfaction and purpose. By accepting death as a natural life process, we can live our lives with more zest and depth, and we can achieve the greatest richness possible. In other words, the courage to accept death will enhance our lives."
Praise be the Lord
©Terry Paul Choyce. Used with permission from the author.
