Terry Paul Choyce
July 16th, 2006, Brunswick Street United Church
Last week Paul and I went to Detroit for my nephew's wedding, and a family reunion. I am the oldest of six children, and we are now scattered around North America. None of us live closer than 3 hours from each other, and I am the farthest away here in Nova Scotia. But we still consider ourselves to be a close family, and we get together at least every other year.
Three years ago our gathering was a tragic one, because we came together to be with our mother during the last week of her life, and then for her funeral. This was the time when I experienced the best of my family, when they showed their deep love for our parents, and made big sacrifices in their personal lives to be with them at this emotional, pivotal time. My mother had been stricken with 2 severe strokes during the previous 15 years, and was very disabled physically. Shedied of leukemia. My father insisted that she die at home, with 24 hour care by our family. We came together and made her last weeks the way she and my father wanted them to be. It was a life altering experience for me to see what true selfless love and dedication looked like. I was so proud to be a part of my family.
Two years ago we all came together to celebrate my father's new marriage. Dad met Lurlene six months after my mom died, and three months later asked her to marry him. He was 76 years young. Their life together since has been full and loving. He "inherited 3 more children and 6 more grandchildren, making his total of 16 grandkids. Lurlene's grandkids are young, and it is such a joy to see my dad chasing them around with a squirt gun, or holding them in his lap. My dad now has a new family to love.
Shortly after my mother's death I decided, after intense soul-searching, that I had to leave my husband. We had been together for 32 years, and had 2 grown daughters. I had not been happy at home for many years, but I would not leave until my girls were old enough to be on their own, and to understand why I had to go. It was the hardest decision I ever made, but I have no regrets. I still have great relationships with my girls, in fact, better than ever before. And now Paul is the centre of my "family." Plus, I have many friends which I consider family as well. I now know that birth and vows are not the only ways a family is created.
Rev. Beth Miller wrote "A family is a collection of people that love one another and want to share their lives together....Most of us need some degree of emotional intimacy to feel supported, to help us grow, to feel we belong. A family is anyone you choose with whom to have such relationships. A family helps out when there is illness or difficulty. A family celebrates the milestones of life. A family knows us as we are and loves us as we are....Whatever is your circle of love approval, affection, inspiration, and support, that is your family right now."
Jesus said something similar to this in Luke 8, verses 19 to 21. Jesus was surrounded by a crowd of people, when his disciples told him his mother and brothers were there to see them. Jesus said "My mother and brothers are those who hear the word of God and obey it." I hope that Jesus was not denying his birth family, but rather, was saying that all of us who believe in God are his family.
A family should care for each other, unconditionally. God cares for each of us unconditionally. So we are all united into a huge family through our love of God.
Erich Fromm wrote in The Art of Loving, "In brotherly love there is the experience of union with all people, of human solidarity, of human at-onement. Brotherly love is based on the experience that we are all one. The differences in talents, intelligence, and knowledge are negligible in comparison with the identity of the human core common to all men."
This is not to diminish the importance of our own families, and our allegiance to them. We should, to the best of our abilities, love and care for our birth families and our spouses and our children. I don't believe the significant people in our lives are there by chance. I think they are there by purpose. They are there to help us grow physically, emotionally, and spiritually, through the good times and the bad. So today, reach out to connect with someone you consider to be family. Call or visit or write to someone you love, and let them know that you love them.
I am presently reading a book called Discovering Your Soul's Purpose by Mark Thurston. In the intro he says "My thanks go especially to two people who have always supported my journey and search. My parents have helped me in ways that I appreciate more and more with time. Perhaps it is because I am now a parent myself that I can see the special kind of love which is required to not onlylet but evenhelp others struggle for themselves and find the selves they were born to be. Perhaps this is the kind of support that we are meant to offer to others, not just our children or the members of our family. Every soul is looking for that sense of personal purpose buried within. It is our challenge and our blessed opportunity to support and nurture others in their discovery process."
The more we love, and show our love in words and actions, the more we will be loved right back. And the more we love the more we will feel like a part of God's big family.
©Terry Paul Choyce. Used with permission from the author.
