Terry Paul Choyce
June 17, 2007 BSUC
Today is Father's Day, and is the one day a year when our whole culture spends time appreciating our fathers. My father had six children, a teaching job plus part-time jobs, a large house to maintain, a loving but overworked wife, and two old cars to keep in repair. His life was full and stressful, and he had precious little time to pursue his own interests and passions. He was driven by his responsibilities to his family, and the expectations of his generation, and his biological make-up.
For this sermon I used the book Being A Man, by Patrick Fanning and Matthew McKay. They said that a recent study showed that the average father spends seven minutes a day relating to his children. Unfortunately, this is often spent disciplining the kids or driving the kids, not spending quality time with them. Most of my childhood, that is about how much time I got to spend with my dad, unless I was forced to be the "go-for" for one of the house or car fix-it jobs. I never doubted for one minute that my father loved me. But, until I was in my forties, I don't think he ever really knew me. I think if all of us here were honest, we would say the same thing. This book says that most of us do not have a healthy relationship with our fathers until our late thirties or forties. That is when we reconnect with our fathers as an equal. That is when most of us have had enough life experience to forgive the mistakes our father made, and to see that in many ways we are like our father. We are no longer always pressured to try to please our dad, and we are now confident in our own abilities and choices. And if we are parents, we are in huge appreciation for what our parents did for us, because we know how hard it is to raise a child. Parenthood is one of the most stressful things a person can do. It is also one of the most rewarding.
I think being a father is extra hard today, because being a man is extra confusing. Our society has changed dramatically in the last 50 years because the roles and expectations of being a man or a woman have changed. Once it was the man's job to work to provide for his family, while the woman stayed home to take care of the children and the house. We all know those days are largely gone. Now a man is expected to go to work, then come home and help with the house chores and to spend time with the kids (all 7 minutes of time.), and to contribute to his community and church. There is precious little opportunity to pursue his interests, or spend intimate time with his wife. Men today often feel frustrated and confused about how to fit themselves into their busy schedule. And women feel equally as stressed. Plus women often feel that they cannot talk to their husbands about their feelings, because men do not want to hear about them. Men are good at dealing with problems that are tangible and fixable. Emotions are too complicated and erratic. Women want to be understood and appreciated. Women want their husbands to give them compliments and flowers, not tickets to the car race or football game. It is no wonder that approximately 2/3rds of all marriages now end in divorce.
Men today are in a biological bind. Paul and I recently saw an educational video about how we develop our sexual identity. As we all know, our sex is determined at conception. But, it is the first few months in our mother's womb that determines how our hormones will influence our biological make-up. If a male fetus receives the right amount of testosterone from his mother, he will develop normal male characteristics. If he receives too much estrogen, he will be more effeminate. Scientists have done experiments with rats and with monkeys where they have injected high amounts of estrogen into newly pregnant mothers. The male babies did not behave in the way normal male babies acted. They were more passive and more affectionate. As they grew older they did not chase and wrestle with the other males. As adolescents they were not driven sexually, as normal males were. Throughout their lives, they were different.
This information has all kinds of ramifications. For one, it helps answer the "nature vs nurture" question. Are males more boisterous because they are born that way, or because they are taught to be that way? Do little girls play with dolls because they want to, or because they are given dolls when they are infants? The book Being a Man says "Most men are more rational, linear, and aggressive while women are more emotional, intuitive and passive. Men are objective, product-oriented, competitive builders while women are subjective, process-oriented, cooperative growers." (P. 5) Adult men have few close friends, many are driven by their work, and most have anger issues. Women want long-lasting and meaningful relationships with everyone. They are nurturing, loyal, and they love beauty in many forms. Men tend to deal with problems quickly, and sometimes with force. Women tend to worry over problems, and talk about them with others. Women get emotional easily. Men are more oblivious to their emotions, especially the "mushy" ones. As John Gray said in his best-selling book, Men are From Mars, Women are From Venus, men and women are physically, psychologically, and emotionally different. But this does not mean that they cannot have wonderful, full relationships together. In fact, in many ways the balance of the two make for a better partnership. We need to honour and acknowledge how we are different, rather than blame each other for not being the same.
Science have also proven that the brains of men and women are different in shape and function. By attaching wires to the skull, scientists can tell what part of the brain is being used. Differences in male and female brains are also evident in autopsies. Men tend to utilise the left side of their brain, which is more analytical and technical. Women use the right side predominantly, which makes them more creative, intuitive, and expressive. Women also seem better able to connect their left and right brains when they think and act. Thus they can be intuitive and analytical.
All this helps explain why men and women have inherent difficulties relating to each other. And it also helps all of us to understand why, as children, we often felt our fathers were detached and too busy for us. Nurturing is not an innate male trait. But, men can learn to be nurturing, creative, more communicative, and less aggressive. Women today are becoming engineers, soldiers, and hockey players. Both sexes are adapting their biology to become more alike. I personally think this is a good evolutionary leap for humanity. If we can embrace the best traits of both sexes, perhaps the world will be a less violent place, and we will all try harder to take care of each other. Using masculine problem solving, we can find solutions to our environmental crisis. Using feminine creativity and sensitivity, we can find ways to make us all healthier and happier.
In my opinion, the societal pressure for materialism and career success puts impossible pressure on both sexes to work for "stuff" rather than to create a lifestyle which focuses on love of others and self and God. Our culture has its priorities wrong, and we are paying a huge price with our personal health, our disfunctional families, the endless wars and strife, and our polluted planet. Unless we get back to the basics of living compassionately and responsibly and contemplatively, as God directed us, we will continue to live in a confusing and hurting world, regardless of our sex. And our children will pay the price for our rampant consumerism and environmental negligence.
Our reading from Proverbs (4:1-13) today had a lot of good advise. It says:
"Sons, listen to what your father teaches you. Pay attention and you will have understanding....Do not abandon wisdom, and she will protect you: love her and she will keep you safe. Getting wisdom is the most important thing you can do. Whatever else you get, get insight. Love wisdom, and she will make you great..." I find it interesting that the writer, which may have been King Solomon, refers to wisdom as "her."
The writer is telling his son to listen and learn from feminine knowledge and insight. It is this wisdom that will make him great. Even in ancient times it was acknowledged that a man needs feminine characteristics as well. Proverbs 5:20-23 says: "Son, do what your father tells you and never forget what your mother taught you. Keep their words with you always, locked in your heart. Their teaching will lead you at night, and advise you during the day. Their instructions are a shining light..."
Being a man today is a difficult experience - as is being a woman. But if we learn from, appreciate, and use the best traits of each sex, there is much hope for this world. I think each of us can overcome our biological and cultural conditioning, to embrace the best features of both sexes. Men can be nurturing. My father proved that big time when he took care of my mother for 15 years after her strokes. No one could have been a better care-giver and husband than him. And I now tackle technological problems on my computer and electronic gadgets which I thought were impossible 5 years ago. We are all capable of change. With God's guidance, we can all be better human beings, and thus better parents.
Praise be the Lord
(Musical Meditation : "Side by Side" by the 4 Town4)
©Terry Paul Choyce. Used with permission from the author.
